May 2024

This writing is going to be a little different than what I normally post. I want to give an annual life update!

It might seem a bit strange to give an annual life update in May rather than December or January, but May is surprisingly the most convenient month for me to give an update. Most of my projects, classes, big life events, and other commitments start or end in May. At the same time, May is when my "summertime sadness" kicks in.

I've also decided I should make writing life updates a regular practice. I rarely publicize my more emotional or unedited writing and I want to get more accustomed to this.

I have a lot of topics to talk about this year. I'll organize my thoughts by topic so this doesn't end up being a jumbled brain dump.

Why I Moved Back ¶

I first want to talk about my reasons for moving back to Ohio. I've written about some things I miss from the bay but I've never written about why I moved in the first place.

Three years ago I made a bold risk to move from Ohio to San Jose. My original intent for moving to the bay was to try something new for my career, and experience new surroundings, and grow even more independent. It was honestly terrifying at the time - I had almost no money and no personal connections to the bay area. The first few months living there were some of the hardest of my life, but I survived and I'm ultimately grateful for my experience.

Last year in June of 2023 I packed my bags and moved back to Ohio. Every time I tell someone about this, I get bombarded with questions on why I decided to move back with claims that:

• San Francisco has significantly more tech career opportunities than Ohio
• San Francisco has nicer weather
• There's significantly more Asians in the bay.
• California is more politically progressive
• The bay has more things to do
• Cupertino has the best food

So why did I move?

I Missed My Family ¶

Family is really important to me. Two of my three siblings live in the Midwest and I hated how infrequently I was able to visit. Pacific time is also hard to coordinate with other timezones - Eastern is 3 hours ahead and Taiwan is 15 hours ahead. Living in Eastern means you can coordinate calls more effectively with Asia and the US.

I Missed My Girlfriend ¶

Long distance relationships are terribly difficult. She is forced to live in Ohio for the next 4 years due to medical school (not including time for rotations) whereas I work remotely.

I Wanted to Buy a House ¶

I have been wanting to invest in a house since 2021. It would have taken forever for me to be able to afford a house in the bay when the average price range on Zillow was $1M to $6M.

I Wanted to Compost ¶

I composted for two years in a 50 lb tumbler on my apartment patio but it wasn't enough. To have effective compost you really need to do it in the ground so the earthworms can break down the compounds. It's also incredibly easy to attract flies, gnats, and mold above ground. It's also much easier to gather healthy brown materials from grass clippings, pine needles and leaves rather than from tearing up your housemate's hundreds of Amazon package boxes.

I Wanted to Improve Ohio ¶

I want to improve my local community and the best way to do that is via government and programs. California has great programs but I think it is good enough without me. I want to contribute back to the Midwest community. That's one of the reasons I rejoined MAASU.

My Mental Health Was Suffering ¶

I have Reverse SAD. This means that living in a consistently sunny environment such as California is detrimental to me. For a while all I wanted to do was move back to Ohio where I could better manage my emotional turmoil. Danez Smith wrote a poem that I absolutely love on this very topic.

House Updates ¶

As I mentioned in a previous post, I bought my first house last year. Since then I've slowly been renovating it to make it feel more like home. The biggest house project I have done so far has been installing a drop ceiling in my basement, but I've worked on other various projects the past few months such as recaulking bathrooms and trims, rewiring ethernet, sanding and filling drywall holes, replacing old hardware, and applying stucco to the chimney. I have a lot more house renovation projects planned for the future, but I'm hoping to be done with the majority of these projects by the end of the summer. The final project I plan to do this summer that will make me consider my house renovation as "complete" is repainting some of the rooms.

The first project I'll take on once I get back^[1] will be replacing all single-pane windows with double-paned windows to save on HVAC.

Work ¶

A lot has happened in the past year of work. First, I now work fully remote now that I've moved away from one of my company headquarters. It's something I'm actually saddened by because I no longer get to see my peers face to face or eat out with them (excluding an annual pilgrimage to one of the headquarters). I also don't meet as many new people from my company unless they work directly with me.

I've also decided to stop pursuing any promotions for the near future. Last year I grew to be a senior-level engineer, something I'm very proud of and happy about. This year, there have already been multiple pushes from my manager(s), higher level engineers, and even a director recommendation to try for becoming a staff engineer. Although I would like to acquire the skillset and expertise of a staff, I never want to gain the title. The position doesn't appeal or feel rewarding to me - I would most likely manage iterations and micromanage other engineers, technically plan out large projects, and give presentations all the time. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. I would have more influence and a better salary but I love writing code and software myself. I'm afraid that getting another promotion would remove me from writing code and put me in a position of code "management". I don't mind accumulating the technical knowledge of a staff, though.

MAASU ¶

Last September I started volunteering again for MAASU. MAASU is a 501(c)(3) student-led nonprofit dedicated to strengthening Asian American identity in universities across the midwest. We generally send out newsletters, host 1-4 conferences annually, put on programs, and apply for funding for university multi-cultural centers. I actually worked with MAASU previously in undergrad and after moving back to Ohio, I decided to apply to be on the directors council. The directors council is a group of graduate students and young working professionals who help guide the longer term plan of MAASU along with helping the student board achieve their goals.

Volunteer work is incredibly draining. When I was a student, working for a nonprofit meant valuable learning and career building to put on your resume. Now that I'm a working adult, I have nothing to gain from MAASU other than helping the community. While I love what I do, it's incredibly time consuming and tiring. I've poured hundreds of hours into helping plan some of the conferences this year on the brink of burnout. All I can say is that I have so much respect for all the volunteers of other nonprofits and communities. It's really hard. I think I will step away from my position once my term ends (May 2025).

Physical Health ¶

My physical health has gotten slightly better and slightly worse. I am now regularly exercising on a daily basis alternating between strength training and running. I used to consistently go bouldering 2 to 3 times a week but I stopped in January because I no longer have a reliable ride and I loaned my car to my brother Paul. Fortunately, running has gotten more convenient now that my house's neighborhood is within walking distance of a park. I usually run a 2.5 mi (~4 km) loop. I'm considering training for a marathon.

I've been getting a lot more scratches, bruises, and soreness now that it's spring. I'm doing more yardwork to prepare my yard for summer by mowing the lawn, pulling weeds and tilling. I'm also in the process of slowly tearing up old tree stumps with an axe and pickaxe.

What I'm most concerned about is a potential hernia. In late December last year I began to notice a bulge in my abdomen/core. I was honestly pretty scared that it was a hernia because I felt a pressure from standing up, sitting down, and coughing. I scheduled a doctor's appointment as soon as I could but when I arrived the bulge had disappeared. In the weeks following, the bulge reappeared and disappeared. My PCP referred me to a radiologist and a urologist, all three of which could not determine the root cause. Their suggestions were:

• it might be a swollen lymph node because lymph nodes can do that
• it might be a cyst according to the radiologist
• it could very well be a hernia

The only actionable feedback they gave was to get a CT scan (expensive and I'd rather avoid it) or to try doing more core workouts for hernia prevention just in case. I've been doing more ab exercises out of fear of a hernia because the only treatment for a hernia is surgery and weeks of recovery. I want to avoid that at all cost. It's also unfortunate that hernias primarily only happen in males.

Emotional Health ¶

May is always the tipping point in my mental health. I have Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder (Reverse SAD) which means that I get very depressed when the sun is shining brightly. Because of this, I always dread the upcoming summer months. I'm dreading those months this year too.

I have a newfound fear of getting older. Lately I've been having nightmares about losing my physical ability to run, walk, or type. I've also had nightmares about my friends dying. I think I'm particularly afraid of aging due to the fact that I've had a few physical health issues recently. I really like Rudy Francisco's poem on aging which touches on this topic. I'm hoping this fear subsides over time.

Related to my fear of aging is my fear of losing memories and fading skills. I already have a particularly poor memory and I'm afraid of losing more of it. I'm also afraid of losing skills I used to have refined that I no longer regularly practice such as skating, drawing, and playing guitar. I acknowledge this is a natural part of growing older. I've written so many poems on this topic^[2][3].

I've lately been feeling fatigue. I'm burnt out from investing so much energy into work, MAASU, and my friends. I'm hoping to be able to take a step back from everything soon.